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What the Heck am I Doing?

Unchartered territory. Staying at home full time for that mom gig wasn't what I imagined I’d be doing with two babies only 1 year apart in age. I mean, I do have a job that I love, and am still working from home. But not being a SAHM is why I pay for preschool. Nonetheless, here I am. Here WE are, guys.

I literally flip-flop between two people. I am either the happiest mother on earth, or I am the most frustrated person you've ever met. The frustrated Amanda only lasts for about 10-30 minutes. It's when no one is listening to me, everyone is crying, and I look around and realize how messy my house is. Then the kids take a nap/go to bed, and I realize I can fix a lot of the messes. 

The happy-as-a-mother person is real. It's 100% raw, real, true and happy love. I let my kids crawl all over me while I do my back stretches on the floor. I feed my baby peas from a can on a spoon even though he can feed himself. I’m kvelling every time he almost takes his first steps. I know he’ll take them any day now and I video him constantly hoping I’ll grab it just in time so I can send it to everyone who knows him.  

Meanwhile, I saw someone’s Facebook post that said “bad moments don’t make bad moms” and that made me feel better. I almost needed that breath of air desperately when I saw it and then I immediately could breath again. I’m mostly feeling guilt for the amount of YouTube my kids are watching (Elmo, Cocomelon, clips from The Sound of Music, their teachers channels with songs from preschool circle time) but then I remember that Passover is almost here, and I’ll have days with them- literally like 5 solid days- to bond and sing IRL... not needing to rely on Julie Andrews.


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